Oh, America. WHAT. HAVE. YOU. DONE?!?
We went over this. You were all supposed to vote for HILLARY. CLINTON. For a LOT of reasons. But just to name one: the boys have already had 44 turns to be president. FORTY-FOUR. This means the girls have been waiting over 200 years for a turn. The Emma is tired of waiting. It takes Jacob about 200 years to finish his turn with the blue scissors. And waiting that long makes The Emma really mad. I’ll be honest, America. Right now The Emma is really, REALLY mad.
So what happened? A protest vote? Upset that someone else wasn’t on the ballot? There, there. I’ve explained this already. The Emma isn’t eligible to be president for another 31 years. I know. Sometimes it feels like our founding daddies didn’t even *want* the most qualified candidates to run.
Let’s all take a deep breath. (Not too deep. Remember the EPA is soon going to be run by a coal lobbyist.) And try to figure out how this all went so horribly, horribly wrong.
Donald Trump. I admit he’s kind of like a Grandpa. In some ways. But not the kind of Grandpa you want working in the White House. And certainly not the kind of Grandpa you want doing something really important, like reading bedtime stories. He talks too much about jail. And, I’ll be honest, America, The Emma is still working through some fears about jail. Which is why I have to whisper this next part. So, get close. Closer. Not that close. (The Emma needs her space.) I think my Mommy might use a private email server. There are a lot of wires and boxes with lights in our closet. And. I. Don’t. Know. What. They’re. For. (DON’T PUT MY MOMMY IN JAIL, DONALD TRUMP.) Apparently, The Emma is not supposed to “investigate” this may-be-a-private-server. Because it makes Daddy agitated. BUT DADDY, Donald Trump says the most important thing to do with a private email servers is investigate it.
Second, Donald Trump is clearly not qualified to be the boss of me. I mean, the country. Because I’m pretty sure he failed preschool. Here’s how I know. What’s the first rule of preschool? DON’T TALK ABOUT PRESCHOOL. Just kidding, America. (And, you’re welcome.) The first rule of preschool is: use kind words and gentle hands. (Manos suave.) Mr. Donald Trump does not use kind words. Remember how he called all the other people applying to be president mean names? Name calling is NOT acceptable in preschool, DONALD TRUMP. My teacher would NEVER pick me to be lunch helper if I went around calling someone (no one in particular) President Poopy Pants.
And second of all again: gentle hands? I don’t think so. Mommy won’t tell me what, but the grownups do a lot of whisper talk about what Donald Trump does with his hands. By the way, Mommy: whisper talk is ALSO NOT ACCEPTABLE at preschool.
And fourth of all, Mr. Donald Trump spends a little bit too much time doing pretend play. Like pretending he can build a magical wall. Thousands of miles long. And charge it to Mexico. FYI, Mr. Donald Trump, buying things and charging them to other people doesn’t go over as well as you might think. (Don’t ask me how I know.) Mr. Donald Trump also likes to pretend that certain things don’t exist. Like global warming. Or racism. Or the Constitution. BELIEVE ME, Mr. Donald Trump, I’ve tried the I-was-only-jumping-on-the-couch-because-I-was-PRETENDING-there-wasn’t-a-rule-about-it approach. I would not recommend it. (And by the way, Mommy: STOP HOVERING.) Maybe it’s time to stop all the pretend play, Mr. Trump. And just act like a president. (If you don’t know how, you can ask a grown-up.)
So that’s Donald Trump. But you had other choices, America. There was Mr. Gary Johnson. Though I admit, he seemed confused a lot of the time. Like an amigo in the toddler class who wondered out into the hallway. And couldn’t find his way back. Don’t worry, Mr. Gary Johnson. A teacher will realize you’re missing and come to get you soon. There, there. I think I see Mr. Bill Weld coming now.
And Ms. Jill Stein. I’m not sure what to say about Ms. Jill Stein. Except that she has the same favorite color as my big brother Jacob. And roughly the same chance of being elected. (Sorry Ms. Jill Stein. The Emma couldn’t resist.) That said, if Ms. Jill Stein’s recount miraculously shows that Mr. Donald Trump did NOT win the election, she will be The Emma’s new BFF. (Kiss, kiss, Ms. Jill Stein.)
And then there was Hillary. My Hillary. Oh, America. What could have been. The Emma GETS Ms. Hillary Clinton. I know what it’s like to be misunderstood. To intimidate others. (“Unintentionally.”) To be surrounded by lesser minds. Heavens, Mommy, I’m not talking about you. (Side bar, America: I’m mostly talking about Mommy. I’ll tell you more when she stops reading over my shoulder and goes back to working on her private server.) I know what it’s like to be villainized by the media. (Media: don’t think I don’t know who you’re talking about when you write those slander pieces about coping with intractable four-year-olds.) Like Ms. Hillary, I was not put on this earth to bake cookies. (But to eat them.) I am not a show pony. (They are too big and scary.) And, when they go low, I use an insistent gesture to make Mommy pick me up. AND THEN. I. GO. HIGH.
Ms. Hillary Clinton should have gotten more votes than Mr. Donald Trump. It’s as simple as that, America.
What’s that, Mommy? She did? MILLIONS MORE?
Sweet, cheesy Pete. She WON!!!
What? Mommy, I don’t understand what you’re . . . But why? WHY?!? Uh huh. Uh huh. Electoral what? Okay, Mommy, now you’re just making stuff up. Are you sure about this? Sure, sure. Or “sure” the way you were “sure” that The Emma would have grown out of this ‘temperamental phase’ by now?
Okay, America. You can take a breather. Get yourself a snack or start working your way through your cyber-shopping list. (I’ll help you out: The Emma could use some comfort chocolate. Right. About. Now.) Electoral college: now I’m just talking to you. PUT ON YOUR LISTENING CAPS. Apparently, that whole big vote that the grown-ups did on November 8th didn’t mean very much. Because the only votes that really matter are yours. On December 13th. And, apparently, you are all grown-ups too. (Two words, America: preschooler disenfranchisement.) I’ll try to keep this simple so that you understand. YOU. NEED. TO. VOTE. FOR. MY. HILLARY. Mommy says that most of you won’t. But you should. And here’s why.
My Hillary earned this job. Mommy says she has spent A LOT OF YEARS trying to help people. People with disabilities. People facing discrimination. People who happened to be women and thought it would be fun to wear a pant suit. (I won’t pretend The Emma understands this, America: pant suits make it way too hard to do a flip on the bars at the playground.) People who were her husband and wanted to be president. (My Hillary knows how to take turns.) My Hillary also traveled to a lot of countries to talk to a lot of people about a lot of things and not even ONE TIME did she start a nuclear war by saying something mean about those people on Twitter. NOT. ONCE.
And another thing, Electoral College Voters. You really shouldn’t vote for Mr. Donald Trump. Because if you vote for him after all that mean talk. And Twittering. And *whisper whisper* with his hands. (See Mommy, I can do it too.) You’ll be reinforcing bad behavior. I don’t know exactly what that means, America. But whenever The Emma is having a tantrum because someone is ignoring my COMPLETELY REASONABLE request, Daddy says we can’t reinforce bad behavior. And I don’t get what I want. Mean talk is bad behavior, Mr. Trump. So you shouldn’t get what you want. It’s up to you, Electoral College, to send a message that this is not the way we ought to behave in America. Pretend that you’re in preschool. And do the right thing. Don’t worry. The Emma will back you up. (We are stronger together.)
But most of all, you should vote for Ms. Hillary Clinton for the same reason that MILLIONS MORE PEOPLE DID. Because she believes in me. Your Emma.
And to all of the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams. -Hillary Clinton (11/9/16)