Oh, Mr. Trump. You’re not even in the White House yet. And already a lot of people want to put you in a time out. Don’t panic. The Emma is here to help.
First problem: you have been talking. A LOT. Which should be good thing. (Better than Twittering.) But take it from The Emma. Talking can get a kid into trouble. Sure, when you’re a baby EVERYONE wants you to talk. They get all excited and jump-up-and-down-y if you say one word. (*eyeroll* AMIRIGHT, Trumps?) But then you get a bit older. And learn more words. (Like braggadocious.) And all of a sudden people don’t always want you to talk. “Quiet down, Emma, it’s time to go to sleep.” “Don’t talk now, Emma, I’m trying to talk to Daddy.” (Seriously, Mommy: PRIORITIZE.) “Not now, Emma, I’m trying to brush your teeth.” WHICH. IS. IT. PEOPLE?!? Cuz if you don’t want me to talk, I’ve been working on a few non-verbal gestures I’d like to test drive . . .
Mr. Trump, I understand your confusion. Talking to people is part of your job. So why is America all upset? Let’s review.
First, you talked to the boss in Pakistan. And then you told everyone that he was just terrific. And his people were terrific. And his country was terrific. But India didn’t think this was so terrific.
Then you had a chat with the boss in Taiwan. And that made the boss in China mad. (Really. Mad.) Because the boss in China has made it clear that Taiwan is just a figment of our imagination. I understand your confusion on this one, Mr. Trump. Because Jacob tells me the same thing about unicorns. And I have had the pleasure of playing with both unicorns AND people from Taiwan. (Not at the same time.) THEY’RE. BOTH. REAL. No matter what the boss in China says.
You have also been talking to Mr. Bannon from the Alternative Right. (Mommy, isn’t the alternative to right “left”? FINE. You don’t have to yell.) And talking to Mr. Bannon has made everyone (with a sense of decency) mad. Do your breathing, America. That’s it. In. Out. (If you need to use a non-verbal gesture, go ahead. The Emma approves.)
And then, Mr. Trump, you said that the boss in the Philippines was doing a good job. And that made all the people who have heard about the boss in the Philippines—and know what the word “atrocity” means—mad. Mad. Mad. Mad. Maddy-mad, MAD.
All this talking hasn’t really worked out so well. Politics are confusing aren’t they, Mr. Trump? First everyone tells you that you do too much mean talk. (Okay, The Emma might have been one of those people.) So you try to use nice words. And everyone just gets EVEN MORE UPSET.
Maybe the problem isn’t so much what you’re saying, but who you’re saying it to. Maybe if you want to be the President-Of-All-America, you should start by using some of those nice words with the people who DIDN’T vote for you. Or support you. You know who they are. The ones who live in the edge pieces of the country puzzle. (And Nevada.) (And Colorado.) (Don’t forget about Minnesota. Though they may actually speak Canadian up there. So maybe bring a translator.)
For example, it was good that you talked to Mr. Al Gore. About climate change. Even though you don’t really believe in climate change. (Or people who win the popular vote.) This was a good start, Mr. Trump. But I think you lost your chance at a gold star the next day when you chose Mr. Scott Pruitt to be the boss of the EPA. I’m not sure if you know this Trumps, but the “E” in EPA does NOT actually stand for Emma. (An outrage. I know.) It stands for “environment”. And, as you know, Mr. Pruitt hates the environment. (Why, Mr. Pruitt, WHY? Did a pine cone bully you as a child?) You know what the environment is, don’t you Mr. Trump? It’s trees. And air. And water. And earth. AND WE’RE RUINING IT. And some day that will make it too hot to live here. Mr. Trump, THE EMMA DOES NOT WANT IT TO BE TOO HOT TO LIVE HERE. I’m finally starting to get used to this planet. (And its people.) I don’t want to have to move.
Here’s the thing, Mr. Trump. You might not believe in climate change. Mr. Pruitt might not believe in climate change. BUT THE ENVIRONMENT BELIEVES IN CLIMATE CHANGE. AND. ITS. DOING IT. It’s kind of like when Mommy says it’s bath time. And I tell Mommy that “No, it is NOT bath time”. Which really should make it NOT bath time. (I think you agree, America.) And I sit on the floor. Doing my best frowny face. And close my eyes. So I can’t see the bath tub. And cover my ears. So I can’t hear the water running. And for a few glorious minutes, Mr. Trump, it’s like it’s really not bath time. But then it is. How do I know? Because I find myself in a tub of water.
And so will you. Especially if you are at Mar a Lago when the polar ice caps melt.
Mr. Trump, global warming will happen even if we close our eyes. OPEN YOUR EYES, MR. TRUMP. A bazillion scientists– AND THE POPE– aren’t wrong. More importantly, The Emma IS NOT WRONG. (Except occasionally about bath time.)
Time to clean up your act, Mr. Trump. The electoral college vote is next week. And it’s still possible that they could put you in a VERY long time-out. (Oh please, oh please, oh please . . . )
Last but not least, one quick side bar. For the Boeing company. Now I’m just talking to you fly-people. I just want you to know that if Mr. Trump doesn’t want your four billion dollar (Air Force One) plane, The Emma will take it. (Let Trumps go cheap on his ride.) AMERICA: I’M COMING. Prepare yourself for The Emma’s Victory Tour. And after that, on to Russia. The Emma has a few words for Mr. Putin. And a couple of non-verbal gestures.