Jacob Does Stand-up

microphone

Jacob: Mommy, I’m going to tell you a funny joke.

Me: Okay.

Jacob: Two people are on a boat.  One is named Pete.  The other is named Repeat.  Okay.  One of them . . . oh, right, one of them falls off.  It’s Pete.  Who is left?  (In a whisper . . .) I mean left on the boat, Mommy.

Me: Repeat?

Jacob: Right!  Good job, Mommy!!  Okay, three people are on a boat.  One of them is that octopus from “The Little Mermaid” . . .

Me: Wait a second.  Aren’t you supposed to tell the first joke again?  After I said, “Repeat”?

Blank look from Jacob.

Jacob: Okay, Mommy, I’m going to tell you a different joke.  A man is going on a trip.  Why does he want to travel on Tuesday?

Me: I have no idea.

Jacob: Because his HORSE is named Tuesday.  HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Me: Nice.

Jacob: A man is going on a trip.  Why does he want to travel on Wednesday?

Me: Beeeecause his horse is named Wednesday?

Jacob is unable to respond because he is doubled over with laughter.

And then a few hours later . . .

Jacob: Mommy, look under there!

Me: Under what??

Jacob: NO, MOMMY.  (eye roll.)  You’re supposed to say “under WHERE?”.

Me: Sorry.  Under where?

Jacob: YOU.  SAID.  UNDERWEAR!!!

For two straight minutes, the child laughs hysterically.  Then abruptly stops.  And, says in a deadpan: “I learned that last one from a teacher at school.”

Money. Well.  Spent.

Saturday morning, Jacob and I were sitting on the living room couch when Dan came down to make himself some breakfast. Jacob leaned over to me and whispered.

Jacob: Daddy’s a MONSTER!

Me: HE’S A WHAT?!?

Jacob: MONSTER.

Me: HE IS?!?  But we’ve been living with him so long.  How come I never knew?  Are you sure?

Jacob nodded seriously.  His little face was only inches from mine.

Me: But how do you KNOW he’s a monster??

Jacob: Because of all his colors.

Me:  He’s wearing a black t-shirt and tan shorts.

Jacob: It just looks like that because he’s dirty.

Me: Really?  What colors are underneath the dirt.

Jacob: Rainbow colors.

Me: I had no idea.

Jacob nodded again.

Me: But how do you know that this makes him a MONSTER??

Jacob: I’VE. SEEN. HIS. BIG. TEETH.

Me: Oh.  Those.  Aren’t those just so that he can eat sushi?

Jacob (in a stage whisper): NO.  HUMANS.

Me: HUMANS?

Jacob: That means people, Mommy.

And then yesterday.

Me: Jacob, do you want to hear a funny story?

Jacob: YES!

Me: Daddy and I have been speaking to someone who does what Sam does– she helps people buy and sell houses. Anyway, she has the same last name as a family I knew growing up.  So I asked her if she is part of that family.  And it turns out she is!  She is married to one of the kids I grew up with.  What are the chances of that happening?

Jacob (outraged): That is NOT FUNNY!! YOU.  TRICKED.  ME.

Tough crowd.

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