Jacob: Mommy, I’m going to tell you a funny joke.
Jacob: Two people are on a boat. One is named Pete. The other is named Repeat. Okay. One of them . . . oh, right, one of them falls off. It’s Pete. Who is left? (In a whisper . . .) I mean left on the boat, Mommy.
Jacob: Right! Good job, Mommy!! Okay, three people are on a boat. One of them is that octopus from “The Little Mermaid” . . .
Me: Wait a second. Aren’t you supposed to tell the first joke again? After I said, “Repeat”?
Blank look from Jacob.
Jacob: Okay, Mommy, I’m going to tell you a different joke. A man is going on a trip. Why does he want to travel on Tuesday?
Me: I have no idea.
Jacob: Because his HORSE is named Tuesday. HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Jacob: A man is going on a trip. Why does he want to travel on Wednesday?
Me: Beeeecause his horse is named Wednesday?
Jacob is unable to respond because he is doubled over with laughter.
And then a few hours later . . .
Jacob: Mommy, look under there!
Me: Under what??
Jacob: NO, MOMMY. (eye roll.) You’re supposed to say “under WHERE?”.
Me: Sorry. Under where?
Jacob: YOU. SAID. UNDERWEAR!!!
For two straight minutes, the child laughs hysterically. Then abruptly stops. And, says in a deadpan: “I learned that last one from a teacher at school.”
Money. Well. Spent.
Saturday morning, Jacob and I were sitting on the living room couch when Dan came down to make himself some breakfast. Jacob leaned over to me and whispered.
Jacob: Daddy’s a MONSTER!
Me: HE’S A WHAT?!?
Me: HE IS?!? But we’ve been living with him so long. How come I never knew? Are you sure?
Jacob nodded seriously. His little face was only inches from mine.
Me: But how do you KNOW he’s a monster??
Jacob: Because of all his colors.
Me: He’s wearing a black t-shirt and tan shorts.
Jacob: It just looks like that because he’s dirty.
Me: Really? What colors are underneath the dirt.
Jacob: Rainbow colors.
Me: I had no idea.
Jacob nodded again.
Me: But how do you know that this makes him a MONSTER??
Jacob: I’VE. SEEN. HIS. BIG. TEETH.
Me: Oh. Those. Aren’t those just so that he can eat sushi?
Jacob (in a stage whisper): NO. HUMANS.
Jacob: That means people, Mommy.
And then yesterday.
Me: Jacob, do you want to hear a funny story?
Me: Daddy and I have been speaking to someone who does what Sam does– she helps people buy and sell houses. Anyway, she has the same last name as a family I knew growing up. So I asked her if she is part of that family. And it turns out she is! She is married to one of the kids I grew up with. What are the chances of that happening?
Jacob (outraged): That is NOT FUNNY!! YOU. TRICKED. ME.